My friend, who is a seasoned Doula, and IBCLC did make a very good point that has had me thinking for the past few days : if we don't share the good with the bad, then why would anyone possibly reach out to us for help? I don't know about you, but that rings true to me. Someone has to have some street cred if I'm going to be venerable with them.
I truly believe that every Mother has a challenge that she must face. For some, it is a struggle with fertility;others, pregnancy; for many, it is facing the journey of birth. For some, it is breastfeeding or redefining ones self in Motherhood. There are so many variables that I could list, but the point is, we are fierce because we have met our challenge. Your challenge, though unique, is natural, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
This is where creating a Tribe is so beneficial. I joke that pregnancy and birth (or the grueling process of adoption) is our sorority hazing. Once you are in, you have access to generations of knowledge. It may take meeting a few groups, but eventually, you find a tribe where you can ask questions, feel validated, and most importantly, know that you are not weird, crazy, or bad.
Here are some nuggets from groups :
- "If I were a hamster, I'd eat my young"a frazzled Mother exclaimed one afternoon.
- Keep expectations low for the first year and you'll be less disappointed in yourself.
- The first bowel movement after birth usually hurts. Stool softeners are your friends.
- One could be ready for sex right away, or it could take six months.
- A Mother loves her kid, but may not like them all the time.
- No one on Facebook is THAT perfect. Promise.
Finding A tribe can be awkward, yes. Here you are a grown woman and literally asking folks to be your friend. I felt like the playground was a pick up scene when I first had Cora. I'd scout out women, strike up a conversation, and see if there was chemistry. I can guarantee that almost every other Mom is at that playground to socialize- especially if they have a newborn. Mothers are not taking babies with no head control or depth perception to story time for the babe's sake- they are looking for fellow Mamas.
Attending a La Leche League (www.lllofnc.org to find one near you) or a Moms group, is a lower pressure way to meet Mothers, as you can participate as little or as much in the conversations as you wish. The groups are designed for New Moms, and you can arrive in pjs, your kid can scream, your boobs can leak and no one will bat an eye.
A tribe can consist of two or ten, or twenty, or two hundred. It can be online, in a church or at a shop.
We are social animals, and by nature, we need to connect. I know that I am a far better Mother because of my group of Friends. It takes a village to raise a child and to support a Mother.
Side note: After reconnecting with old friends and learning that no one has it figured out, the Mother above felt a whole lot better and is growing confident in her Mothering. I, a Mother to a toddler, am now meeting my challenges as my daughter grows into a wonderfully stubborn opinionated child who refuses to poop anywhere but in her pants. I would venture to say that my Mother has similar challenges ( sans poop. I'm potty trained). You are not alone.